Today's horoscope: What?!

Astrology is something, like autotune and racism, which just never seems to go away. No matter how illogical and silly it is, it persists. Now I don’t know about you, but I’ve got a big problem with something that tells me there are 12 star signs divided along the year that will dictate my tendencies and thus, to an extent, my personality. So it tells us that those born in November are unyielding, those born in June like to talk a lot and those born in January enjoy starting communist revolutions. So because Heather Mills and I were born in the same month, we’ve got the same tendencies. I can tell you right off the bat that this isn’t true. Whilst I’m not an avid clubber of seals, I do love my meat.

Of course, it MUST be when you were born, and not where, to whom, with what education, and whether you live in a crack den - or a mansion - that makes you who you are.

Another thing that bothers me about this sort of thing is the whole horoscopes malarkey. I’m going to try checking one out for myself right now:

“You should see a big reward today, or at least high praise, as some effort of yours starts to pay off handsomely. It's a really good day for you to move forward, ask for a raise or otherwise take your due.”

I spent all of my day at home, unable to go out. My computer broke, I can’t find the book I wished to read, and I’m bloody jobless. I can’t ask for a raise because I had no salary to begin with.

I'd like my big reward please

Now, ignoring the fact that none of these wonderful things that should have supposedly happened to me have come to pass, let’s analyse that horoscope. Oh wait, we can’t really, because it’s so vague it could mean anything to absolutely anyone.

“You've got to open yourself up a bit -- the people in your life need you to be open-minded (more so than usual, that is). It's a good time to explore notions you are sure are wrong just to see where they lead.”

This is the scorpio’s horoscope. I still can’t analyse this, because even though I’m confident that there are billions of unique people on the planet, this can apply to hundreds of millions of them. Barack Obama thinks Al Qaeda need to be a bit more open minded, BP think Obama needs to be more open minded, and I think the bloke at Starbucks who keeps giving me the evil eye should be too.

How do they even come up with this sort of stuff? It boggles my mind that there must be people in offices doing complex calculations on the alignment of the planets and the stars to determine these intricate predictions for 12 different sets of people. They really deserve their salary for all that hard work.

Race for who can be the first to calculate Sagitarius' horoscope for the day

Except for the fact that these complicated equations are, in reality, the mental equivalent of being sick on the page and sending it to the papers. I would not be surprised if they eventually start recycling the horoscopes for different signs and switching them around, all while high fiving each other and laughing their way to the bank. I think I’m on to something here….

Astrologers going through their algorithms in the workplace

I swear, I might as well read the label on my medicine to figure out how I should act and what I should expect for the day. “Store at 25°C ; excursions permitted to 15-30°C.” Interesting. I wonder what that means. 

So what do you say, anyone willing to help me break into Fort Knox so I can have my big reward?